How to have the "what are we" conversation

If you have been seeing someone for a couple of months and still do not know what you are, you are not doing anything wrong. Modern dating rarely announces itself. There is often no clear moment where casual becomes serious, so a lot of people end up waiting for a line that never gets drawn.

This is a practical guide to the define-the-relationship conversation: when to have it, how to bring it up, what to say, and what to do with the answer.

When to have the “what are we” conversation

There is no correct number of weeks. Anyone quoting one is guessing. What matters is what has actually happened between you.

Bring it up when any of these are true.

You are already behaving exclusively. You stopped talking to other people, you keep your weekends open, you plan around them. If you are acting like you are in something, you should know whether they are too.

**The answer would hurt. **This is the clearest test. If finding out they are seeing someone else would genuinely upset you, you are already invested enough to deserve clarity.

**You are monitoring instead of asking. **Reading into reply times, checking who they follow, analyzing a story. Monitoring is the thing people do instead of having the conversation.

You are performing being relaxed. If staying casual has become a role you are playing, the ambiguity is already costing you something.

**Something practical is coming up. **A holiday, a friend’s wedding, meeting family, a trip. Practical decisions force the question anyway. Better to answer it on purpose.

The wrong reason to wait is waiting until you feel certain of the answer. You will not feel certain. Certainty is what the conversation creates, not what it requires.

Why it feels so hard

Right now you have something undefined and good. Asking for a definition means asking for an answer, and the answer might be smaller than what you currently get to imagine. Ambiguity is uncomfortable, but it also protects you. As long as nobody says anything out loud, nothing has been ruled out.

So both people wait. You do not ask because asking might end it. They do not ask for the same reason. And every extra week raises the stakes, which makes asking harder rather than easier.

There is also a hidden mismatch at work. People disagree about how a relationship becomes official. Some expect an explicit conversation. Others believe it happens through behavior and that saying it out loud would be strange. If you are each running a different rule, you can be in two different relationships at once, both of you sincere, both of you wrong about where the other stands.

That is how three months of confusion happens between two people who like each other.

How to bring it up

Do not schedule it. A text saying “can we talk later” guarantees hours of dread for both of you and starts the conversation in a defensive place. Bring it up in an ordinary evening.

Pick a good moment, not a bad one. Raise it when things are going well, not in the middle of a disagreement or after something upset you. The same words land completely differently.

Say what you want first. This is the single most useful move. Instead of “what are we”, try “I like this, and I would want it to be just us”. A statement about your own feelings is far easier to answer honestly than a question that feels like a test.

Keep it short. One or two sentences. The longer the preamble, the more it sounds like bad news is coming.

Let them think. A pause is not a rejection. Someone who has not consciously thought about it needs a moment.

Do not negotiate immediately. If the answer is not what you hoped, resist the urge to talk them into it right there. Hear it, sit with it, decide later what you want to do.

What to actually say

Some phrasings that work, depending on your situation.

“I’ve really liked the last couple of months. I think I’d want this to be just us. How do you feel about that?”

“I want to be upfront, I’m not seeing anyone else and I don’t want to. Where are you at?”

“I realised I don’t actually know if we’re on the same page about what this is. Can we talk about it?”

“This is going somewhere for me. I’d rather say that than keep guessing.”

Notice that all of them lead with your own position. None of them demand an immediate label.

Questions to ask beyond the label

Getting a yes is not the end. Two people can agree to be exclusive and still want completely different things. If you are having the conversation, make it worth having.

What are you looking for right now, even if it is different from what you wanted a year ago?

What would change for you if we called this serious?

Is there anything you have been holding back because you were not sure where we stood?

What does being in a relationship look like on a normal week for you?

What would make you feel secure in this, specifically?

Ask one at a time. Answer it yourself first. Wait past the first answer, because the first answer is usually the polite one.

What to do with the answer

If it is yes: say what it means practically. Exclusive is a word, not a plan. What changes, what does not, what you each expect.

If it is not yet: ask what “not yet” depends on. A vague not-yet with no conditions attached is usually a soft no.

If it is no: it is painful and it is also useful. You now know something you would otherwise have spent months guessing at. That is not a wasted conversation.

If they avoid answering: that is an answer. Someone who wants the same thing you want rarely leaves the question hanging.

The short version

Have the conversation earlier than feels comfortable. Lead with what you want rather than asking what you are. Keep it brief, pick a good moment, and let them think. Then use the real questions to find out what you are both actually signing up for.

The talk you are dreading is shorter than the months you will spend avoiding it. Real connection starts with one good question, and this is one of the few that changes what happens next.

We built GetOurTime: Couple Questions for the evening question when you have run out of your own. 1,500+ questions organized by mood and moment. Free on iOS.

Related Reading: Emotional Availability Is the New Sexy. Here’s What It Actually Means in a Relationship. | Questions to Ask Your Girlfriend or Boyfriend That Actually Go Somewhere | 84% of Us Want Deeper Conversations. Almost Nobody Starts One.